I've been on a real cleaning and organizing kick lately. I kind of neglected a lot of housework over the last month or so since I was dealing with the miscarriage, so I've been playing catch-up. It's a lot of work, but the sights of freshly vacuumed carpet, an organized closet, and a squeaky clean bathtub have reinforced me enough to keep going.
But I've neglected the most important "house" for a long time. For the last six months or more, I've prayed for others, spent long hours listening to worship and having conversations with God, and have begun teaching my young son how to praise God and talk to him as well. But I've avoided the really deep stuff. I'm ashamed to say I've barely cracked my Bible open for all that time, except at church or at a group setting where we're studying and discussing Scriptures. I'm relieved to see that God has still used me during this time to bless others; I've helped counsel others and have laid hands on friends to pray for healing, but I never really did try to build myself up.
I'll be even more honest and say that my depression is back. I've struggled with it on and off for several years, and as expected I still feel sadness about this last miscarriage to the point where I hate leaving the house and have reverted back to wearing sweat pants all day, something I swore I would never do again! My husband saw how sad I was today and asked me to do him a favor. He asked me to read my Bible and remember who God is.
I complied even though the request scared me a little. In a way I was afraid of opening the floodgates of emotion even further, and maybe I would never stop crying. And worse, I had the fleeting (and ultimately ridiculous) thought that maybe God wouldn't take me back. I could almost hear Him say, "I showed up for our time together every day, where were you??" Despite my nervousness I retrieved my Bible and journal and without much forethought turned to Psalm 86. And decided that no matter what, I would "clean house" within my own spirit this time.
I read the entire Psalm, but decided to focus on one verse a day until I had dissected all 17 verses. The first part of the psalm is more centered on the situation rather than the character of God, and really, isn't that how a lot of our own prayers start? We recount every detail about why we're hurting or scared, ask God what we should do or how He's going to help us, and THEN maybe we get around to recalling His loving and perfect attributes and what He's done for us already. At least, that's always been MY problem!
Despite this, I still learned a lot just from the first verse, which reads, "Incline Your ear, O Lord, and answer me; for I am afflicted and needy." Yep, that about sums up my daily prayers right now. What hit me was the very first word, "Incline." We normally use that as an adjective, like when we say someone is "inclined" to do something. I only really see it used as a verb once in awhile, and usually in the Bible. Using it as a verb is wonderful in this case though. Here, the psalmist (David) was asking God not only to turn His ear toward him, but to make it a tendency, a habit, something common and pertaining to His nature. And that's what God does! You know how a lot of times we ask God to do something that we already know He does because it's part of His nature (like love us, minister to us, heal us, etc.), but doing so just strengthens our own faith and praises Him for being the way He is? I think that's what David was doing here. Almost as if he sent up this prayer if only to remind himself that God's ear was already inclined toward him, and had been the whole time. Thank You, Lord!
Next, the word "afflicted" hit me. I think when the word "affliction" is used it should mean an actual disease or some other condition we can't help having, can't control, and can't heal on our own. Not just a sin we struggle with, but an actual circumstance that has really thrown us and there's no way we can get through it without His intervening. Yep, that's where I am now. I have (at times) a very intense sadness about what I've lost, as well as a fear that something is wrong with my body and that's why I've had multiple miscarriages. I feel afflicted, and honestly can't see a way out of this that doesn't involve leaning on God and depending on Him for His help.
Which leads me to the word "needy." Kind of goes hand-in-hand with "afflicted." When we're afflicted, we realize our ultimate need for God. We can't cure this affliction alone, and sometimes even other humans can't help. Now, God can use my doctor to figure out if there's anything wrong with me physically, and he might even be able to find a way to help me so we can have a healthy pregnancy next time, and that would be amazing. But if I don't recognize that only God can fill that need inside of me, I really think the depression and fear would remain. Let's face it, even when times are great, we can still think of what could go wrong and keep ourselves from fully enjoying our lives. And if my worst fear is realized, and we can't have any more children, God is the only One who can truly comfort me and tell me He still has good plans ahead for me.
And that's basically what He told me today when I repeated the prayer in verse 1 and asked Him to answer me. Part of me wanted Him to take my sadness and fear away instantaneously, and to also give me a guarantee that all other attempts at having children in the future would go off without a hitch. But He reminded me that He doesn't always answer that way. Today He told me He hurts right along with me. He doesn't want me to be sad, but He also gently reminded me that I can use the sadness and fear to draw closer to Him and dwell in His presence. Because if I'm truly dwelling in His presence, there's no room for fear anymore. I want to get to that place where even when everything is uncertain (or worse, going horribly), I can still have peace and joy in Him. And I think that's what "cleaning house" is all about. Time to clear out the clutter and fix up a wonderful place for God and me to dwell together. And, verse by verse, I hope that Psalm 86 (along with the rest of His Word) will teach me how to do that.
