So you can guess from the lack of posts that so far 2013 has been one crazy year for me and my family. During the first week of January, we found out that our son Caleb had two different irregularities with his heart (a murmur and a fistula...thankfully we would find out later that both were pretty benign). A week later, my husband was let go from his job. A couple weeks after that, I found out I was pregnant. And that was all just during January!
But God took care of us. A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, my husband got a call from a district attorney's office where he had interviewed a few weeks earlier. He received this call on a Saturday (a day where most people aren't taking care of work-related stuff!), so right away I had the feeling that this was big. He scheduled a second interview for early that next week, and within a week's time of finding out another baby was on the way, he had secured a position with that office.
Meanwhile, I was going to my obstetrician's office for blood tests and was experiencing the normal anxiety I get when I first find out I'm pregnant. Thankfully when my husband was let go from his job, he received some severance pay as well as continued insurance coverage for a couple of additional months while he looked for another job, so again, God took care of us. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks, and for the first time since 2009, it was a good one! We then decided to tell immediate family our happy news, but I hesitated to tell anyone else. I was still afraid to get really excited about this little one, plus my mind was already reeling with the idea of having to pack up and move to a strange new town soon.
We found a house to rent in the new town, and I managed to get a couple more appointments in at my old OB before we moved. Unfortunately our insurance ran out by the time I went in for my 10-week exam, and the doctor I saw at that appointment expressed concern about my past miscarriages. I told him my normal doctor didn't think additional tests were necessary since my three miscarriages weren't consecutive. He then told me his rule of thumb is TWO consecutive miscarriages and went ahead and ordered more labwork. I was nervous since I knew we didn't have insurance to cover the cost, but something in me told me that I just had to get those tests done. The doctor assured me that everything would most likely come back normal; this was just to rule out any chance of a late-term miscarriage or stillbirth.
We moved a few days later, and after we had settled in I received a call from my old doctor's office. My tests had come back and apparently I had a protein-S deficiency. The nurse told me that may have caused my miscarriages before and that I should get checked out up here as soon as possible. I spent the rest of the day crying off and on, both for the babies I had lost and for the baby I was now carrying. I still was unfamiliar with the area, but I managed to find an OB five minutes away from our house, so I got in that next week. They referred me to a specialist to get the protein deficiency checked out, but also told me that those tests shouldn't have been done while I was already pregnant because the results may not be accurate. I left their office with more questions than answers. Was there really a problem with my body? And if so, what was I supposed to do about it?
After prayer and some research, my husband and I decided that I should call the specialist and ask to postpone the appointment until we had insurance. I was glad I did; the person I spoke with said that in the first trimester they don't do much for you, so we would have had to pay out of pocket for just some "counseling." She said I could call back and reschedule once we had the insurance straightened out. I hung up the phone and a peace came over me. I knew I did the right thing. And when I went back to the OB a few weeks later and spoke with an actual doctor, she said it was fine that I waited. She said it would still be good to get checked out by the specialist, but since I didn't have a history of blood clots and the pregnancy had already lasted past the point of when I miscarried the other babies, it probably wouldn't be a major problem. I would most likely need to be monitored a little more closely toward the end of the pregnancy, and if I needed to take anything, it would probably just be aspirin.
So here I am...17 and a half weeks pregnant. I'm proud to say I'm more peaceful that I thought I'd be, but I think the hardest thing about it is just being lonely. I don't have friends up here yet, and though I keep in touch with the old ones, it's not as good as having someone in the flesh to talk to. Add pregnancy hormones to the mix and what I got was just sadness over the last week or so. Whenever I get that way, my husband asks me, "When was the last time you read your Bible?" So this morning I picked it up and read. And for once our three-year-old didn't want to turn the pages for me. :o)
I found myself reading Psalm 42. While my situation probably isn't as serious as what the psalmist was going through, I found myself relating to some of what he said. One phrase that struck me was "I pour out my soul within me" (verse 4). To me it sounded like an offering of sorts. The footnotes in my Bible led me to both 1 Samuel and Job for other uses of the phrase. Turns out Hannah and Job said the same thing when they were in distress. In Hannah's case (1Samuel 1:15), her affliction had to do with being childless, and as a result she prayed continuously to the Lord (even to the point where her husband asked her if she was drunk!). In Job's case, he was lamenting over his current state of loss and humiliation (30:16). In both cases, they were sad and the situation was weighing down on them...much like myself. I found myself relating more to Hannah since her situation had to do with getting pregnant. I find my sadness has also made me feel guilty since I think, "I wanted another baby, and this pregnancy is going well...I have no right to be sad!" I also relate to Hannah because despite her sadness, she was doing what I ought to be doing more of....praying before the Lord. Even the psalmist asks himself, "When shall I come and appear before the Lord" (verse 2b) and also instructs his soul to hope in the Lord (verse 5) because he must know that's the only way.
It dawned on me that when one pours out their soul within them, something must fill it back up. Things like joy and thanksgiving that can only come from being in His presence (verse 4). And worshipping and hoping in the "help of His presence" (verse 5). And what I'm choosing to call active recall of all He's done before (verse 6b). So I'm trying to pour out the junk and fill my soul with better things. And when the loneliness creeps back up, I will do my best to remember:
"The Lord will command His lovingkindess in the daytime, and His song will be with me in the night." (Psalm 42:8)
