I recently read a novel where the young protagonist faces a lot of heartache. As she faces challenge after challenge, she is forced to soldier on into unfamiliar, yet ultimately freeing territory. Toward the end, right before everything is resolved, she admits to herself, "I'm not brave, it's just that all other options have gone out the window."
Like her, I can put on the facade of bravery. I can act like I have it all together and that everything is going fine, when really I just want to fall apart. At times I let myself go, but all too often I soldier on and stubbornly fake bravery, sometimes to the point where my hands are shaking from the effort and I'm finding it hard to take a deep breath. I can't always fall apart. I'm a wife and a mother, and my family needs me. So usually faking brave does seem to be my only option. But I feel so weak on the inside.
I take comfort in the fact that God makes me strong despite my weakness, but His Word also tells me I'm to be strong and courageous. Walking that truth out is easier said than done. I may not be facing the walls of Jericho, but I have my own walls of self-doubt, depression, and anxiety. How does one go about knocking these down? By God's power alone.
So I'm going to keep marching around my "Jericho." I'm going to take care of my family and love them fiercely.I'm going to run errands and cook dinner. I'm going to read my Bible and pray. I will fight to take pleasure in the mundane, and rejoice with thankfulness in the unexpected blessing. If I have to continue to fake being brave until faking is no longer necessary because I can finally rest in His power and provision and love for me, then so be it. I've come to the end of myself. All other options have gone out the window.
