hope now

So our 15-month-old has become obsessed with our stereo.  He's recently figured out that music comes out of it, and if I put a CD in he'll just stand in front of it and listen, smiling if the song picks up in tempo or goes from quiet to loud.  Today the stereo was off, and he ran over to it, pointing.  So I turned it on, and we've been listening to music all day.  I even went deep into my collection of CD's, ones that I haven't listened to in forever, with songs that I'm sure Caleb has never heard before.

At one point during the day, all I wanted to do was lay around and read.  Or nap.  Caleb was going strong, and all he wanted was for me to get on the floor with him and play.  And let me just say he was insistent.  I tried to get him to sit with me on the couch with a toy and play that way, but he wasn't for that at all.  Finally, I conceded and got on the floor with him, where we preceded to fill and empty his shape sorter twenty times in a row.

And he was in rare form; everything I did or said was hilarious, he figured out how to put a few of the shapes in the sorter himself, and then he imitated kissing me on the cheek (and, for the first time ever, he said "muah" while doing it and didn't even slime me).  I started feeling content and thinking, okay, kid, this was a good idea after all.  Sorry I didn't do this earlier.

Then, as if on cue, a song came on that I had almost forgotten about.  A song that became my prayer when times were difficult and I was grasping at my faith.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, I had just had a miscarriage a couple of months earlier.  To add to my anxiety, my first ultrasound with him was a disaster.  The ultrasound technician struggled to find any evidence that I was 6 weeks pregnant, but all we could see was a black hole inside the sac on the screen.  She finally concluded that either my calculations were off, or my baby was simply not developing right.  What followed were two agonizing weeks of waiting before another ultrasound would be done.  I struggled with guilt during that time.  I felt guilty that I had allowed myself to get pregnant again when I had been advised to wait longer.  I felt guilty that I couldn't seem to share my husband's faith that our baby was fine and the ultrasound tech had gotten things all wrong.  And I felt guilty that I was still grieving one child, yet praying my heart out for another.

I listened to this song every day during that time.  This might sound cheesy, but in a way it became my prayer when I didn't know how to pray.  And it helped lead me to the most meaningful thing I would say to God during those two weeks..."Lord, I choose to be thankful for whatever time I have with this child...thank You for the privilege of being a mother once again, even if it's for a short while."  It helped me surrender my fears completely to Him, and to yearn for His Word when my worry was trying to get the best of me.  And it became a song of rejoicing when my husband and I saw our baby for the first time at the end of those two weeks.  That little bean-shaped spot on the screen measured 8 weeks, making my previous calculations correct; to this day I'm not certain whether the ultrasound tech measured wrong on that first ultrasound, or whether God performed a miracle within me that caused Caleb to grow the way he did.  I tend to believe the latter.

So when I heard this song today while playing with my son in our living room, my memory jogged in an instant and I found myself in tears.  I remembered all the prayers that were said for this miracle child, and all the times my heart cried out to God like David's did so many times in his Psalms.  I remembered when I would have given anything to be able to play with the child I had lost.  I remembered wondering if God would ask me to say good-bye to another child.  I remembered all the growing I did in those two weeks of waiting.  And all the growing Caleb did as well.

Most of all, I remembered God's sovereignty and blessings.  And it made my play-time with my son that much sweeter. 

"Hope Now" by Addison Road

If everything comes down to love, 

Then just what am I afraid of?

When I call out Your name,

Something inside awakes in my soul.

How quickly I forget I'm yours.

I'm not my own, I've been carried by You all my life.

Everything rides on hope now.

Everything rides on faith somehow.

When the world has broken me down,

Your love sets me free.

When my life is like a storm,

Rising waters, all I want is the shore;

You say I'll be okay, and make it through the rain,

You are my shelter from the storm.

Everything rides on hope now.

Everything rides on faith somehow.

When the world has broken me down,

Your love sets me free.

You've become my heart's desire,

And I will sing Your praises higher,

'Cause Your love sets me free,

Your love sets me free,

Your love sets me free.