hope now

So our 15-month-old has become obsessed with our stereo.  He's recently figured out that music comes out of it, and if I put a CD in he'll just stand in front of it and listen, smiling if the song picks up in tempo or goes from quiet to loud.  Today the stereo was off, and he ran over to it, pointing.  So I turned it on, and we've been listening to music all day.  I even went deep into my collection of CD's, ones that I haven't listened to in forever, with songs that I'm sure Caleb has never heard before.

At one point during the day, all I wanted to do was lay around and read.  Or nap.  Caleb was going strong, and all he wanted was for me to get on the floor with him and play.  And let me just say he was insistent.  I tried to get him to sit with me on the couch with a toy and play that way, but he wasn't for that at all.  Finally, I conceded and got on the floor with him, where we preceded to fill and empty his shape sorter twenty times in a row.

And he was in rare form; everything I did or said was hilarious, he figured out how to put a few of the shapes in the sorter himself, and then he imitated kissing me on the cheek (and, for the first time ever, he said "muah" while doing it and didn't even slime me).  I started feeling content and thinking, okay, kid, this was a good idea after all.  Sorry I didn't do this earlier.

Then, as if on cue, a song came on that I had almost forgotten about.  A song that became my prayer when times were difficult and I was grasping at my faith.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, I had just had a miscarriage a couple of months earlier.  To add to my anxiety, my first ultrasound with him was a disaster.  The ultrasound technician struggled to find any evidence that I was 6 weeks pregnant, but all we could see was a black hole inside the sac on the screen.  She finally concluded that either my calculations were off, or my baby was simply not developing right.  What followed were two agonizing weeks of waiting before another ultrasound would be done.  I struggled with guilt during that time.  I felt guilty that I had allowed myself to get pregnant again when I had been advised to wait longer.  I felt guilty that I couldn't seem to share my husband's faith that our baby was fine and the ultrasound tech had gotten things all wrong.  And I felt guilty that I was still grieving one child, yet praying my heart out for another.

I listened to this song every day during that time.  This might sound cheesy, but in a way it became my prayer when I didn't know how to pray.  And it helped lead me to the most meaningful thing I would say to God during those two weeks..."Lord, I choose to be thankful for whatever time I have with this child...thank You for the privilege of being a mother once again, even if it's for a short while."  It helped me surrender my fears completely to Him, and to yearn for His Word when my worry was trying to get the best of me.  And it became a song of rejoicing when my husband and I saw our baby for the first time at the end of those two weeks.  That little bean-shaped spot on the screen measured 8 weeks, making my previous calculations correct; to this day I'm not certain whether the ultrasound tech measured wrong on that first ultrasound, or whether God performed a miracle within me that caused Caleb to grow the way he did.  I tend to believe the latter.

So when I heard this song today while playing with my son in our living room, my memory jogged in an instant and I found myself in tears.  I remembered all the prayers that were said for this miracle child, and all the times my heart cried out to God like David's did so many times in his Psalms.  I remembered when I would have given anything to be able to play with the child I had lost.  I remembered wondering if God would ask me to say good-bye to another child.  I remembered all the growing I did in those two weeks of waiting.  And all the growing Caleb did as well.

Most of all, I remembered God's sovereignty and blessings.  And it made my play-time with my son that much sweeter. 

"Hope Now" by Addison Road

If everything comes down to love, 

Then just what am I afraid of?

When I call out Your name,

Something inside awakes in my soul.

How quickly I forget I'm yours.

I'm not my own, I've been carried by You all my life.

Everything rides on hope now.

Everything rides on faith somehow.

When the world has broken me down,

Your love sets me free.

When my life is like a storm,

Rising waters, all I want is the shore;

You say I'll be okay, and make it through the rain,

You are my shelter from the storm.

Everything rides on hope now.

Everything rides on faith somehow.

When the world has broken me down,

Your love sets me free.

You've become my heart's desire,

And I will sing Your praises higher,

'Cause Your love sets me free,

Your love sets me free,

Your love sets me free.

Whatever Happened to Elihu?

So I finally finished Job today. It ended the way I remembered, of course, with Job confessing that God is sovereign and Job's friends having to make a sacrifice due to their false words to Job concerning God and His will. But one thing I wonder, what happened to Elihu?

Elihu kind of sneaks into the picture at Chapter 32. Before this, Job and his friends are debating whether or not a righteous and obedient life deserves calamity. Job especially focuses on his past, remembering how good he had it and how righteous he was, and bemoans his present state, telling God to give him an answer pertaining to why He allowed these bad things to happen ("Let the Almighty answer me!" Job 31:35). The beginning of Chapter 32 tells us that Elihu, up until now, has hesitated from joining the discussion because he is younger than everyone else. This act of respect is probably the only thing holding Elihu back from asserting himself before now, since by the time he does join in "his anger burned" (verse 5) because of what his elders were saying about God.

In short, Elihu's speech goes on for several chapters. He rebukes Job and his friends for basically putting God in a box as if His ways could be predicted or controlled ("Who gave Him authority over the earth? And who has laid on Him the whole world?" 34:13). Elihu defends God's justice and sovereignty, saying "His eyes are upon the ways of a man, and He sees all his steps" (34:21). And he also breaks that proverbial box his elders tried to use to contain God by describing His awesome wonders and majesty ("God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend" 37:5; "Stand and consider the wonders of God" 37:14).

After this, God answers Job (in a whirlwind, no less!), and for the next four chapters Job is humbled in the wake of His words that describe His power and might. Elihu isn't mentioned again, and seems to disappear as mysteriously as he appeared earlier. He wasn't rebuked along with his elders, but he didn't receive any reward for his words either (at least none that is recorded). So what happened to him?

You know what God told me? Elihu was taken care of. It doesn't matter that he wasn't praised for his tenacity and faith to stand up for God in the presence of those older and wiser than he. He knew who he was as God's child, did what was asked of him, and then moved on. Often God asks us to do things for His kingdom that probably won't result in any kind of recognition. Sure, we've helped others by acting on what He tells us to do and have become stronger in our faith for doing so, but there are no parades for anonymous donations, leading our children to Christ, or even helping a disabled person cross the street. Acting on His will without regard for accolades keeps us humble and focused on the One who rewards us in Heaven (Matthew 6:1).

So what can we learn from Elihu?

• Respect your elders. He understood his lowly position and waited to act out of respect for those in a position of authority.
• Recognize righteous indignation and act carefully in it. His "anger burned" against the words being spoken, but he did not act out his anger and was careful to only say the words that would further his cause.
• Remember 1 Timothy 4:12: "Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity, show yourself an example to those who believe." This can even apply to being young in your faith, and not just your age. Even if you just accepted Christ and you're 80 years old, you're young in your relationship with Him, but you still have something to offer to more mature believers if you allow God to direct you.
• Rest in God's love and sovereignty. Basically, Elihu practiced what he preached. He told the others that God's will did not depend on our obedience or works. In doing so, he did what God asked of him without thinking he was entitled to anything for doing so.

May we all become like Elihu; willing to remain behind the scenes until God calls us forth for His purpose, and then humbly doing His will simply because He has asked it of us.