in His arms

This time last year, I was saying good-bye to a child whose face I'll never see this side of eternity.  This time six months ago, more good-byes were said.  Makes me wonder where I'll be in another six months.  I truly don't know the answer to that, but I'm trying to rest in His love and goodness.

I've been corresponding with another Anne, who I'm sure is also struggling to live up to her "full of grace" name.  She recently lost twins to a miscarriage and we've been sharing thoughts, prayers, and advice for awhile now.  Reading her latest email, I realized she's where I was six months ago.  That place where you doubt God's goodness and you find yourself asking Him, "I know You had the power to save my babies, why didn't You?"  And you feel horrible for asking Him that.

I still don't have all the answers for her, much less for myself.  But I think it helps both of us to know that given time and prayer, it does get easier.  I can look at where she is and see how far God has brought me, and she can look at where I am and know that He will be faithful to do the same for her. 

I read in a novel recently about a shepherdess who searches for her lost lamb.  She finds it with a broken leg, so she scoops it up in her arms and comforts it.  The lamb protests at first, since the comfort jostles its broken leg and brings pain, but the shepherdess tells the lamb that it's all right; pain means more time in the Shepherd's arms.  That really spoke to me.  Even when God allows pain in our lives, His arms are always open.  When we're in pain, we can also rest.  The thing is, we have to learn how to do both at the same time.  If we despair when we're in pain, if we bustle around and keep busy rather than deal with the pain, or if we shake our fists at God and refuse His comfort, then we can't rest in His arms.

Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather not have any pain in my life at all.  But in this fallen world where pain and sadness are inevitable, my only comfort can be in His arms and in His constant presence that never leaves me.  In His arms, I can learn how to be content and peaceful even when I don't know all the answers.

There are still times when the pain finds me and I remember all that I've lost.  I start asking God the same questions my friend is asking Him now.  When that happens, He calls me to rest in Him and to spend more time in His arms.  I find once I'm there, all those questions fade away and I remember that He is good no matter what state my heart is in that day.  And I also find that He never was disappointed in my weakness of faith, and that finding my way into His arms does His heart good too.

I heard this song the other day for the first time in awhile.  The lyrics really made me think about the state of my mind and heart when I was in the darkest part of the pain.  I wanted to come rest in Him, but my flesh told me that I couldn't as long as I was questioning what He was doing.  I eventually came to understand that I can always come to God no matter what state I'm in.  He just wants to love on me.  :o)

Could I talk to You? Are You listening?
Would You let me ask the questions that burn inside of me?
I am reaching out, I am holding on
Feel like one of Your affections, but not quite like I belong.

I am numb today, everything's a blur.
I've seen too much to deny, too little to be sure.
Like a prodigal, like a distant son,
I can see You from a distance but I'm too ashamed to come.

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me, help me understand.
~ "Outstretched Hands," Starfield

Longing

"The Lord longs to be gracious to you..." Isaiah 30:18

What God showed me today seemed simplistic at first. Of course He longs to be gracious to me. He loves me. Didn't He "so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life?" That sounds a lot like GRACE to me.

But what caught my eye in this verse was the word "longs," and with that one word came a deeper glimpse into God's character. I've always believed that He loves me. I've always believed that He pours measure upon measure of grace upon all of us, an endless supply of a very precious commodity none of us deserves. But when was the last time you thought about God longing for you?

He sees how many times we mess up. He sees how many times we struggle with doubt. He sees all of our pain and sin and still longs to shower grace on us. And not only that, but to have compassion on us too (also in verse 18). What's the difference between being gracious and having compassion?

To me, God is gracious when He forgives my sin when I ask Him...again.
He has compassion when He wipes away the tears and bandages the self-afflicted wounds and whispers His love in my ear.

He could just show grace to us by forgiving us when we ask and leaving it at that. "Don't worry, my Son's blood covered that sin. You're off the hook. Catch you next time." Kind of like a friendly uncle that gets you out of trouble every now and then, but not someone you share an actual relationship with. No, God goes a step further and shows us compassion when we sin. He mixes His love with His grace until we realize that He is not just in the business of forgiving sins, He is also in the business of loving us, cherishing us, and having a relationship with us.

Why does this matter? To me, God seems a lot more personal when I see and feel evidence of His compassion in my life. His graciousness to forgive is awesome enough, but He goes that step further to show compassion in a special, unique way just for me.

If you stop and think about it, grace and compassion are two amazing things that we don't deserve without the blood of Jesus. And we love and serve a God who longs to do both in our lives, if only we ask Him. That's the key word: ASK. He knows the desire of our hearts, and He knows when we've sinned and need to ask for forgiveness, but so much of His moving in our hearts and lives depends on us speaking up in the first place! I'll close with verse 19 to really drive that last point home:

"He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you." Isaiah 30:19